Revenge is Best Served Roasted
by Knightryder007
Summary: A horror crackfic. Ironhide takes care of one of his canine demons. M for some rather horrible content.


**A horror crackfic. Ironhide tackles one of his many demons. Rated M for some rather disgusting stuff and animal abuse, if you can call it that. This is a darker version of one of my other crackfics I am about to write. That will hopefully be posted soon.**  
**Call what animal abuse, you ask?**  
**I'm not going to spoil it for a warning!**  
**If you read this already and want to flame me, then I shall get Mojo to...Where the Hell is that dog? Fine. Bumblebee...I need your help.**

**Revenge is Best Served Roasted (or RIBS ROASTED...mmmm...)**

That dog, if it even is a dog. More like a rodent. Ironhide hated that creature with all his spark. After getting off on the wrong foot, or rather, mucking up the wrong foot, Mojo was now on the long list of things Ironhide would like to vaporize. Decepticons were still a priority, of course, but next on the kill list was definitely that demon-spawn. Today, he had a chance. To be rid of that vile cur! To be rid of Mojo! Primus was truly on his side now! It was a mira...

"Ironhide, are you listening?! Get over to the boy's house now!" yelled Ratchet as Ironhide snapped out of his trance-like state. Shaking his head, he picked up his cannons and assumed his alt. form, speeding out of NEST HQ.

Today Ironhide had been assigned as Sam's guardian. Bee was on a recon mission which had gone overtime, so he had to be called in as the substitute guardian. The giant Topkick ran up the driveway and onto the perfectly-manicured grass of the Whitwicky residence.

"WATCH THE GRASS, TIN HEAD!" Ron, Sam's dad and trimmer of the grass, was not pleased. Ironhide snorted at the remark. Sam then ran out to greet Ironhide.

"Okay, Ironhide, I've hidden Mojo, so he won't bother you again. I'm so sorry for what happened last time, I promise I...I mean him won't...I mean MOJO will not bother you..."

"Fine, fine, fine. Just stop yapping and I won't terminate you."

"Don't you dare terminate my son! He's my precious crown jewel, my little baby, and if you..."

"Mom, you're embarrassing me."

"Sorry, Sam it's just..."

"Mom, I'll be fine." Sam pushed his mother away as she began trying to smooth down a small cowlick of hair on her son's head.

"Fine. But don't come back hurting when he blasts you with his cannon!"

"IF, Mom."

Judy sighed and stormed into the house.

"So now I'm stuck with you."

"Ironhide, please. It's only for a day, and you'll be fine, and Mojo will..."

"Will you stop talking about that rodent?"

"Mojo's a dog. Not to insult you or anything, but he's a dog, not a small animal like a..."

"SAM!" Ironhide yelled at Sam, causing him to jump.

"The Twins were less trouble than this..."

* * *

_2 hours later..._

Ironhide was bored. No Decepticon activity, nothing to do, NOTHING. That dumb...dog hadn't even shown its ugly face. Ironhide had planned to give the dog his just desserts, but with Sam watching, that would be impossible. Then, as if Primus, or rather, Unicron had put his almighty servo on Ironhide's shoulder, Sam's father, Ron made an announcement,

"We're going out for a bit. I need you to stay home and protect it. Don't ruin the flowerbed! My wife spent ages on that!"

Ironhide was perplexed at why he had to stay here. Were the idiotic creators of Sam really that dumb? If a Decepticon should happen to a...but wait. He was with Mojo! Revenge was so close now. He wouldn't give up the chance.

"Don't worry, Ironhide. We're with Bee. Actually, you could go back to base now."

"But my Petunias! What if the Decep..."

"Judy, dear, don't overreact."

"Ron! My Petunias are..."

Ironhide sighed.

Finally, the Whitwickys left with Bee. Ironhide was now free to do whatever he wanted. He thought for a bit about how to get back at Mojo. He remembered what Prime said about not hurting civillians. Ironhide swept those thoughts away as he classified Mojo as a pest. Now onto revenge. He remembered how Bee had got Simmons to...No way! Too light of a penalty! Sure, it was exactly what Mojo did to him, but of course, being Ironhide, the revengeous mech always went the full hog. Ironhide smirked as he ran his finger along his most prized possession, his cannon. A VERY evil idea formed in his head, one which would make even The Fallen's jaw drop in horror. As if on cue, the little demon-dog appeared around the corner of the house. Ironhide smiled evilly at the dog.

"We meet again, Mojo. Are yer' feelin' lucky, punk?" taunted Ironhide, as if to rouse a fight. Mojo barked, and ran forward, right to Ironhide's foot.

"You wanna fight now?!" Ironhide moved his foot, and stepped back, causing the confused dog to jump backwards. The dog then regained speed, ran up to his target, and...

"NOT AGAIN! YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT MOTHERFUCKING CUNT...(the author has chosen to cut the rest of the dialogue due to extreme profanity)" That. Was. It. Ironhide pointed his cannon at the miserable creature and fired. A great flare of fire rocked the doomed Mojo and the garden, consuming the whole area like a hot, orange blanket. The blast rocked the whole block, and street lights fell. Ironhide was screaming bloody murder, all while the flames by his feet incinerated everything.

* * *

**•LOOK AWAY NOW IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH•**

Snarling angrily into the aftermath, Ironhide threw down his cannons. A blackened mess was at his feet. A roughly chargrilled animal lay close to them. Choosing to activate his holoform, Ironhide picked up the defeated creature with his human holoform hands. Suddenly, an enticing smell caught his holoform's attention. It made him feel as if he was requiring a dose of Energon; in fact, it was the exact same effect! That smell...It was coming from the thing in his hands! Ironhide found an old pottery plate, and placed it on the plate. There he ran through the Internet at an incredible rate. He stopped as he saw one certain webpage.

Chinesenoms . web/ ancient/ emergency-delicacies/ dog-recipes

He studied it. Dog was a food in human culture?! Wow. Humans really would eat anything when in crisis. Ironhide contemplated the charred remains of Mojo. Dare he...? It would be great revenge. It smelt pretty good, actually. Ironhide copied what he saw humans do and ripped off a 'drumstick'. Putting it in his holoform's mouth, he began to chew. The meat was low-fat, lean and full of protein in which he could turn into energy. This was great! Free energy as well as revenge! Ironhide swallowed the small, chewed-up piece of meat in his mouth. Damn, this stuff was nice. It was chewy, slightly sinewy and had a gamey flavour to it. Parts of it were incredibly hard and crunchy, others soft as mush. He took another bite. And another. And another. He was completely lost in the delicious morsel that he missed the transmission from Bee about coming back and didn't even hear his Autobot friend pull up in the driveway. He also didn't hear the sliding doors open. But there was one thing he did hear...

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" A high-pitched and rather feminine scream could be heard coming from the door to the garden. Ironhide looked up, and to his surprise...

"Sam?!" Ironhide's holoform instantly dematerialized and dropped what remained of Mojo, complete with bite marks and drool.

"MOJO! WHAT DID YOU DO TO...eww, is this SPIT?!" Sam yelled, disgusted and shocked at the slime-covered remnant of Mojo, which was just a leg and part of his body.

"Sam, please let go of my 'snack', as you humans put it."

"YOU...YOU ATE HIM!" Sam yelled, completely shocked. He stepped back, and ran.

"DON'T EAT MEEEEEEE!"

Ironhide sighed, resumed his holoform, and picked up the remains.

"Revenge indeed."

Ironhide took another bite.

~**FIN**~


End file.
